“You Can Just Let Me Know If You Don’t Want to Go”

I had another dream about the ex a couple weeks ago. Not a nightmare, exactly—just one of those weird, vaguely unsettling ones that sticks around like a mild hangover. The kind that whispers you’re still processing something.

We were in a car together, though I don’t remember where we were going. At some point, he got out—maybe for work? I stayed behind, apparently working from the car (dream logic, don’t ask). A little while later, my phone rang. It was him. He was talking about taking a vacation somewhere and asked if I wanted to go.

And something in me—some quiet part—knew this whole situation didn’t feel right. In the dream, I responded, “Can I call you back to let you know?”

He said, “You can just let me know if you don’t want to go.”

It wasn’t hostile. Not even dramatic. Just casually self-deprecating enough to make me feel like I had an obligation to not disappoint him.

I said I’d let him know and ended the call. And then immediately, this clarity hit me:
Of course I don’t want to go!

That part felt real. Familiar. Like it belonged more to waking life than to the dream.

I think I know where it came from. Earlier that day, I’d been reading through old journal entries from the early days post-breakup—those murky weeks when I wasn’t sure what was happening or whether I was doing the “right thing.”

So many entries were filled with confusion, hesitation, second-guessing. I’d written about how unsure I was during couples therapy, how I kept asking myself if I was only trying to work things out because I felt bad for him. There were even notes about him asking me that directly—wondering aloud if guilt was the only thing keeping me around.

Looking back now, I think that’s exactly what he was banking on. Guilt. Obligation. Emotional sleight of hand. Not demands—just a tone, a phrasing, a gentle prod meant to make me doubt myself.

“You can just let me know if you don’t want to go.”
Translation: But if you don’t, it’ll be on you. You’ll be the bad guy. The one who didn’t try.

Even in my dreams, I’m still untangling that web. But I’m proud of dream-me. She didn’t twist herself into knots trying to justify a polite “no.” She didn’t go out of guilt. She didn’t perform.

She just said she’d think about it… and then remembered the truth.